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Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

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Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child

Keys to Parenting an Adopted Child

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents

Previous:
Legalities of Adoption

Next:
Foster-to-Adopt Adoption

Domestic Infant Adoption

Domestic infant adoption is a complex process in which many parties are involved.

Reasons That Parents Place Their Children for Adoption

Parents make an adoption plan when they feel unready or unwilling to parent their child—which means something different for every mother and father. Ethical adoption professionals work with expectant parents to help them break down their barriers to parenthood and decide whether adoption indeed makes long-term sense for them or whether they’re seeing it as a solution to a temporary situation (meaning, among other things, that they might change their minds once they get on their feet financially).

Adoption counseling includes helping the expectant parents to identify local support in the form of government programs or social service agencies, which can help them parent. Research shows that birth parents who strongly consider parenting before making an adoption plan are more likely to be satisfied with their decision.

General Characteristics of Birth Parents

Birth parents who choose adoption are a diverse group, but one thing that birth parents have in common is a lack of resources, whether money, support, education, employment, or time. Birth parents may be struggling with drug or alcohol addiction or untreated mental illness. They may be in the middle of finishing a master’s program or on a career track that leaves little room for parenthood. They may be single or married.

Some parents choose adoption because they are already parenting children and feel overwhelmed at the idea of parenting another. Some have had excellent prenatal care and others have not. Your attorney or agency may work with a specific population and can likely give you further insight to the types of birth parents who place through their services.

General Characteristics of Infants Placed for Adoption

Because children placed in domestic infant adoptions arrive there through such varying circumstances, it’s impossible to make blanket statements. But most children placed for domestic infant adoption are healthy. You’ll work with your attorney or agency to discuss what you feel capable of handling in an adoption situation.

Agency Adoption

There are no federal guidelines for domestic infant adoption agencies—they are supervised at the state level. When you begin investigating agencies, check with your local Better Business Bureau (www.bbb.org) and reach out to other adoptive parents through the internet or your local adoption support group to find out about their experiences. When you begin to interview agencies, you may want to ask the following questions:

Questions About the Agency’s Business Practices

Do you have a current license?
Are your social workers licensed?
How do you receive funding?
Do you have names of families with whom you’ve worked and who are willing to talk with me?
What are your agency’s philosophies about adoption? What about open adoption? (You’ll want an agency whose values reflect your own.)
What kind of training do your social workers have?
How do you resolve client complaints?
Do you do in-state or out-of-state adoptions?
If we end up finding an adoption situation ourselves or through another professional, will you supervise the adoption? What kinds of fees will apply in this case?
Have you supervised any adoptions that birth parents later contested?

Questions About Birth Parent Services

How does your agency find potential birth parents? Will I need to do my own advertising as well?
Do expectant parents have their own representatives at the agency (to cut down on conflict of interest)?
How do you counsel expectant parents? Do you give them information about parenting options?
Do you tie social worker salaries to placement? (Workers’ income should not be dependent on placements.)
How do you screen potential birth parents to cut down on the risk of fraud?
What sorts of post-placement services do you offer?

Questions About Adoptive Parent Services

What does your fee schedule look like? Is there a sliding scale?
Do you require adoptive parents sign a statement of faith?
How many adoptions did you oversee in the past year?
Are you available to speak with me after hours if necessary?
What is the average wait for most adoptive families?
How long does the home study process last?
Do you work with adoptive parents who are similar to me (in terms of budget, family makeup, or other issues)?
What happens if my adoption fails? Will you refund my money or apply it to the next adoption?
Will you help me find an attorney to assist me with the legal side of the adoption?
What sorts of post-placement services do you offer?

Attorney Adoption

If you use an attorney (instead of an agency) for a private adoption, you’ll still need to find an agency to do your home study and post-placement visits, but your attorney will be the one to help you secure and manage a match with potential birth parents. Below are questions to ask a lawyer with whom you want to explore adoption.

How long have you been practicing adoption law?
What are your fees, and what do they cover?
Are there specific agencies you regularly work with for home studies and post-placement services?
How do you find potential adoption situations?
How many placements did you assist with last year?
How many families are working with you now?
How long is the typical wait?
How available will you be to me?
What kinds of counseling do you provide to potential birth parents?
Will you discount your fees or provide a refund if a potential adoption falls through?
Have you supervised any adoptions that birth parents later contested?

The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys is a professional organization for lawyers who specialize in adoption law. Their website, www.adoptionattorneys.org, is a good starting point for seeking out the right lawyer for you.

Agency Adoption vs. Attorney Adoption

Because state laws vary so much, it’s difficult to make generalizations about the reasons that you might choose an agency rather than an attorney, or vice versa. For example, one family may choose an agency because they don’t want to find their own adoption situation, and another family may choose an attorney for the exact same reason. As you consider your own options, talk with people whose adoptions resemble the kind of adoption you want to have and see how they made it work.

How to Use an Adoption Facilitator

An adoption facilitator is a matchmaker who seeks out potential birth parents and markets them to adoptive parents. Some facilitators have broad networks across the country, working with attorneys and agencies. Others may specialize in certain kinds of adoptions, such as those of children who are hard to place or who have special health issues. Families who work with a facilitator must still use an agency or attorney in their own state to assist in a targeted adoption (an adoption situation that was found by the potential adoptive parents).

Why Do People Use Facilitators?

Because facilitators put all their efforts into finding adoption situations, they can sometimes secure placement very quickly for the adoptive families working with them. They also may have the time to do more hand-holding than agencies and attorneys are able to do.

Things to Consider About Using a Facilitator

Facilitators are controversial. Before employing a facilitator or an agency or attorney who works with facilitators, consider these points:

Paid facilitators aren’t legal in all states: Using a facilitator can make it harder to finalize your adoption. Check with an attorney before hiring a facilitator.
Facilitators can be expensive: A facilitator may change tens of thousands of dollars. These fees are in addition to any fees you pay to your agency or attorney.
Facilitators can make adoption riskier: Because facilitators don’t have to meet the same regulations as an attorney or agency, you may have no recourse if their services fail to meet your expectations. Additionally, if a birth parent feels that a facilitator misled them, it may put your adoption at risk.
Facilitators operate without regulation: Because anyone can claim to be a facilitator—there are no licensing agencies or tests to take—there’s no guarantee that you’re working with someone who has training or experience in adoption.

How to Prepare to Adopt

Once you’ve decided to adopt and have chosen your attorney or agency, get ready for the next stage.

Home Study

The home study is a process that ensures the state that you’re competent to adopt a child. Supervised by a licensed social worker, it typically includes the following:

Criminal background check: You’ll need to have a local, state, and/or federal criminal record check. You may need to have your fingerprints run through the state (and perhaps local) police system.
Fire inspection: You’ll need to present a mapped escape route of your house in case of a fire, as well as appropriate smoke detectors and fire extinguishers.
Health history: Your doctor will need to give you a physical and sign a statement that you’re in good enough health to parent a child. If you’ve sought mental health support in the past few years, your social worker may also want a statement from your therapist.
Home inspection: The social worker will want to see that your home is safe and clean and will also want to see where the child or children will be sleeping.
Income statement: You’ll need to supply tax records, pay stubs, and a budget.
Personal history: This will include history of your partnership or marriage, your education and employment, and interviews with other children in the home. You’ll likely fill out a form or answer a list of questions, and then the social worker will do a more in-depth interview with you based on your answers.
Personal references: Friends, family, and/or your spiritual advisor will be asked to submit their thoughts about your ability to parent a child through adoption.
Training: You’ll need to get certification in infant/child CPR, and your agency may ask you to take a basic infant or child care class or first aid course. There may be additional training through the agency to discuss issues common to adoption or learn more about the way the agency works.

Adoptive Parent Profiles

Adoptive parents say that one of the hardest parts of preparing to adopt is putting together the profile. People sometimes call the profile a “dear birth mom” letter. It can be an intricately planned album or just a long letter describing yourself, your family, your partner, your history, and your interest in adoption. Hopeful adoptive parents usually include pictures of themselves.

Your agency or attorney will let you know what kinds of profiles they tend to find successful. You may want to talk to experienced adoptive parents to get an idea of what they put in their profiles. You may also build a companion website.

Sections to Include in Your Profile		Description
About you		Your hobbies and interests Your job and employment history Your spiritual or religious beliefs A blurb from your partner about you
About your partner		Your partner’s hobbies and interests Your partner’s employment history Your partner’s spiritual or religious beliefs A blurb from you about your partner
About your relationship		How you met your partner Things that you and your partner do together
Your home		Description of your home Description of your neighborhood and nearby schools and attractions
Friends and family		The people who are in your life Your pets
Your values and philosophies		Your views about education Your views about discipline The hopes and dreams that you have for your child
Your feelings about adoption		Your feelings about open adoptions The way you’ll talk about adoption with your child Your family’s views about adoption Connections you have to adoption
Pictures		Pictures of good times, such as vacations, your wedding, and visits with friends

When putting together your profile, remember to:

Be honest: Don’t worry about trying to live up to a hypothetical ideal. Share what makes you and your family unique.
Don’t start with ”Dear birth mother”: Remember, the woman is an expectant mother until she’s signed the surrender. Try starting with “Hello” or “Thank you for reading our profile.”
Don’t dwell on your infertility history: If infertility is what brought you to adoption, it’s understandable that you’ll want to share some of your story. But remember that the focus shouldn’t be on your loss but on you and the kind of parent you hope to be.

Matching with Potential Birth Parents

Prebirth matching—when a family making an adoption plan chooses the potential adoptive family before the baby is born—has become standard procedure in domestic infant adoption. There are several ways you might match with an expectant parent who’s considering adoption.

The woman contacts the agency or attorney.
You advertise for an adoption situation.
Your friends or family share your story with someone who’s considering adoption.

During the match, you may have the opportunity to build a relationship with the potential birth parents. On the other hand, they may not be comfortable meeting you.

Misconceptions About Matches

Being matched is a joyful occasion—it means that someone liked your profile and feels good about making you part of their adoption plan. But you must understand that a match isn’t a guarantee that the adoption will go through. A match simply means that you’ve become part of a family’s decision-making process, but the decision won’t be made fully until the surrenders are signed. No matter how sure a woman seems, the reality is that she cannot know for sure whether she’ll place her baby until the baby is born.

Adoption professionals often say that it’s important to “guard your heart” during your wait. This can be particularly hard. Friends and family may joke that you’re “expecting,” and you’ll be busy getting ready for a possible placement. But at the same time, you’ll likely worry that the adoption may not happen. To cope with waiting during a match:

Have faith that the right situation will come along eventually, even if not the first time.
Take things one day at a time.
Have a contingency plan for both possible scenarios—the baby coming home or not coming home (if the latter happens, you might plan to take a vacation, for instance).
Find friends who understand the roller coaster of adoption and can give you emotional support.

How to Avoid Adoption Scams

Adoption scams happen when a potential birth parent is not really pregnant, is matched with more than one family (and gets financial support from both), or has no intention of going through with an adoption plan. Scams are increasingly common as potential adoptive parents become easier to reach through websites and toll-free numbers. If an expectant parent contacts you, direct them to your agency or attorney.

Red Flags

The following scenarios might indicate an adoption scam. Be wary of situations in which expectant parents or mothers:

Are unwilling to give their contact information to or meet with the agency, attorney, or potential adoptive parents
Are unwilling to give medical proof of pregnancy
Are willing to talk only to potential adoptive parents but not to an agency or attorney
Change their story every time you speak with them
Live from crisis to crisis and often need you to bail them out emotionally or financially (never give anyone money directly; always filter it through your agency or adoption lawyer)
Want to bring the baby to you and want you to buy the plane ticket

Financial Support of Expectant Parents

Some adoption arrangements allow potential adoptive parents to support the expectant parents financially before the adoption takes place. This kind of support is fraught with both legal and ethical issues. You should always speak with an adoption attorney before offering financial support or even gifts to an expectant parent who is considering an adoption plan. If you’re considering offering financial support to expectant parents, first ask yourself:

How will you feel if you provide financial help but the parents decide not to go through with the adoption?
Will financial support make the potential birth parent feel obligated to go through with the adoption even if she no longer wants to? Some states don’t allow hopeful adoptive parents to support potential birth parents financially for just this reason. Remember, the legality of your adoption depends on whether it’s above-board legally, without any intimation of coercion or bribery.
How much can you afford realistically? If the woman you are supporting changes her mind, will you be able to afford another adoption situation?

Emotional Support for Expectant Parents

In prebirth matching, you may have the opportunity to build a relationship with the family who is considering placing their child with you. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the adoption and the needs of the expectant family, you may find yourself in the difficult position of offering emotional support to a family whose crisis you have a stake in. This can make it difficult to maintain boundaries and take care of your own emotional well-being. If you’re struggling, ask your agency or attorney for guidance.

The Birth

Not every hopeful adoptive family is given—or wants—the opportunity to be present when the baby is born. The potential birth parents will decide whether to invite you. But be aware that their decision may change unexpectedly.

Long-Distance Adoption Matchers

If you match with a woman living in another state, be prepared to travel at the last minute. Some potential adoptive parents fly out close to the due date and stay at a hotel while they wait for the expectant mother to go into labor. Others wait and arrive after the baby is born.

Should You Be Present for the Birth?

Ultimately, your presence at the birth will depend on the expectant parents’ wishes (and yours) and the hospital’s policy. It’s important to be flexible. The time directly after the birth is emotionally challenging for everyone involved. Keep in mind that:

You have no say in the biological parents’ birth plan
The biological mother is responsible for making medical decisions about the baby

The social worker may meet with the potential adoptive parents as well as the birth parents to make sure that the adoption situation is working out well. But if the birth mother is working with a separate counselor, the hospital social worker’s role may be minimal.

Pros of Being Present		Cons of Being Present
Chance to bond with baby right away		Could interfere with birth parents’ ability to revisit their adoption decision
Chance to build relationship with birth parents		Birth parents may want time alone
Chance to be part of baby’s life right from the beginning		May be more painful if biological mother ultimately decides to parent

After the Baby Is Born

Once the baby is born, the potential birth family needs to reassess their adoption plan. This will be a difficult time for everyone, but you can turn to your social worker or attorney for support. The hospital issues the original birth certificate, which lists the biological parents’ names and the child’s birth name. (If the adoption goes through, you’ll be able to change your child’s name at finalization.)

As hard as it is, you shouldn’t read into choices that potential birth parents make in these early days. Some women decide to nurse their newborns yet still go through with adoption plans; others refuse even to hold their babies at first yet end up parenting.

Before the Child Is Free Legally

The usual hospital stay for new mothers and their babies is 48 hours, which is sooner than many states allow birth parents to sign surrenders. Once the biological mother leaves the hospital, but before the termination of parental rights, she has several options:

She may take the baby home with her.
The hospital may board the baby. (This option is not typical. Unless the hospital boards the baby for health reasons, this can also incur a fee that the adoptive parent is responsible for paying.)
The baby may go into temporary foster care.
The hopeful adoptive parents may take the baby home.

How to Move the Child Out of State

If the baby was born in another state, you can’t leave until both the child’s birth state and your home state approve the child’s relocation. This is part of the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC), which attempts to guarantee child welfare. If a court hasn’t approved the termination of parental rights, you may need to wait or come back later.

Acknowledgments & Disclaimer

Previous:
Legalities of Adoption

Next:
Foster-to-Adopt Adoption

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