Funerals and Memorial Services

Funerals and memorial services honor the deceased and acknowledge a sense of loss. Customs vary depending on locale and religion, but the following information gives a basic outline of what to expect and how to act.

Planning a Funeral

If you’re responsible for making funeral arrangements, there are some initial steps to take:

Let people know: If you’re not up to the task, ask for help from someone who is.
Contact the funeral director and religious officials: They will help walk you through the steps.
Contact the newspaper: They will instruct you about how to get an obituary or death notice published.
Memorial funds: If you would like to set up a memorial fund to honor the deceased, contact the charity or organization that will receive the funds.
Clothes: Choose clothes (whatever you think the deceased would have liked) for the burial.
After the funeral or memorial service: Acknowledge everyone who gave flowers, contributed to the memorial fund, wrote a letter, brought you food, or otherwise expressed their sympathy. A handwritten note is best.

Pallbearers and Ushers

Close friends and relatives of the deceased may be asked to serve as pallbearers or ushers at the funeral.

Pallbearers: Pallbearers carry or escort the coffin to the burial place. During the service, they should sit at the front, just behind the family. If you are asked to be a pallbearer but fear you aren’t strong enough to carry the coffin, you may be able to escort it instead.
Ushers: Ushers help escort mourners to their seats before the service. In general, they should try to seat those with the closest relationship to the deceased nearest to the front. Ushers themselves can sit wherever they choose once the ceremony begins.

Eulogies

If you were close to the deceased, you may be asked to give a eulogy at a funeral or memorial service. Keep the following tips in mind when planning what to say:

It’s okay to decline if you’re too upset.
A eulogy should last 2–10 minutes.
Plan carefully what you want to say. You may even want to practice.
Have someone else review your words beforehand.
Explain how you knew the deceased but don’t speak only about your relationship with him or her.
Emphasize the deceased’s best qualities.

Flowers

It’s common to give flowers to the bereaved when someone has died. The flowers can go either to the home of the bereaved or to the funeral home. If you don’t wish to give flowers, you might make a contribution in memory of the deceased to a charity of the family’s choosing.

Baskets of flowers and plants: Almost any kind of flower or plant is fine.
Floral wreaths and crosses: Usually sent by a group, these are bigger and more involved than baskets.
Floral tributes: These are fancy arrangements designed specifically for the deceased. They might feature a photograph or a knickknack representing one of the deceased’s interests.
Casket arrangements: These are usually provided by close family and often include roses or calla lilies. Don’t buy such an arrangement without discussing it with the family first.

Funeral Dress

Funerals and memorial services are somber occasions that call for somber clothes.

Men: Dark suit or dark pants and jacket
Women: A dark dress or dark suit

What to Say to the Bereaved

Expressing sympathy to someone in deep mourning can be hard. Keep it simple.

Expressing sorrow for someone’s loss is always correct.
Be specific when offering any help. Offer to babysit, make dinner, or run errands, for example.
Avoid claiming that you know how someone feels. Simply let them know that you’re thinking of them.
Don’t bring up spirituality.

Acknowledgments & Disclaimer