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Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition

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Dressing Formally

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Funerals and Memorial Services

Wedding Etiquette

Weddings involve all sorts of special etiquette. As a wedding guest, you should be aware of what will be expected of you before you attend. (For details on the wedding etiquette expected of the bride, groom, and wedding party, see the Quamut guide to Wedding Planning.)

Engagement Parties

Some couples celebrate their engagement with a party that they throw themselves or that a family member throws for them.

Formality: Some engagement parties may be quite casual, while others may be semiformal. The formality of the invitation is often a good gauge of the formality of the event itself. If you’re unsure what to wear, ask the engaged couple before the event.
Gifts: Look to local customs when deciding whether to bring a gift to an engagement party. If you’re unsure whether to bring a gift, ask friends or acquaintances what they’re planning on doing.

Wedding Showers

Typically given by friends of the bride or groom or friends of the bride or groom’s parents, a wedding shower is a festive get-together. Traditionally, the guest of honor is the bride, but co-ed and groom showers are becoming popular.

When: The shower is typically held two months to two weeks before the wedding.
Gifts: It‘s customary to bring a gift.
Themes: If there’s a theme (“kitchen,” “lingerie,” “bathroom”), adapt your gift to it.

Rehearsal Dinners

Rehearsal dinners are events that take place the night before a wedding. Traditionally, the dinner only included people in the wedding party, but today many rehearsal dinners are much larger, and some include all the invited guests. The dress is usually festive or business casual. Guests often toast the bride and groom during the rehearsal dinner.

Giving Toasts

In general, guests should give toasts only after the host has either toasted or invited others to toast. When toasting:

Keep it short: A toast shouldn’t last more than a minute or two.
Make it personal: If you’re having trouble coming up with something personal, maybe you shouldn’t be giving a toast.
Humor: Funny is good, but make sure the jokes don’t offend or humiliate. Don’t make raunchy jokes.

Responding to Wedding Invitations

Wedding invitations are typically sent out about 2–3 months before the wedding itself. Most wedding invitations include a pre-printed RSVP card as well as a stamped, pre-addressed envelope. Responding is a simple matter of filling out the RSVP card and dropping the envelope in the mail. If no card is included, hand-write a note accepting or declining the invitation.

When to respond: Try to respond within a week of receiving the invitation. You must respond by the date requested on the RSVP card or invitation.
Who’s invited: Remember that only the people whose names are on the invitation are invited (“And Guest” means that you can bring a date).

Wedding Presents

If you’re invited to a wedding, you should give the couple a gift even if you can’t attend.

When to send gifts: Guests begin to send gifts as soon as they receive wedding invitations, though it is acceptable to send gifts up to a year after the wedding has taken place. It is not acceptable to send a gift more than a year after the wedding.
Where to send gifts: Wedding presents are usually mailed or delivered to the home of the bride or her parents, but you can also send them to the groom or his parents. Do not bring gifts to the wedding itself.
Wedding registries: Many couples register for gifts they’d like. Buying a gift from a registry is not unimaginative because it’s buying a gift you know the couple will like. Most gift registries are now available online.

What to Wear to a Wedding

Wedding attire usually depends on local rules and the hosts of the event. Most weddings are at least semiformal, and some are black tie (see Dressing Formally). Weddings held in the evening usually are more formal than those held earlier in the day.

Check the invitation: Most invitations state the dress code for the wedding.
If you’re not sure: If the invitation doesn’t specify the dress code, ask the bride or groom.

Wedding Ceremony Etiquette

As a wedding guest who isn’t in the wedding party, make sure to show up at least half an hour before the ceremony is set to begin.

Unfamiliar Weddings

If a wedding involves customs or religious aspects different from your own, don’t be intimidated: consider it a chance to experience something new.

Get help: If you know that a ceremony will be unfamiliar, ask someone in the know what to expect.
Pay attention: Watch carefully what everyone else is doing and follow along. Also watch the officiant, who will usually guide you in what to do.
Religious differences: It’s okay to abstain from a religious practice that isn’t in line with your beliefs. For instance, if communion is being offered and it’s not part of your spiritual practice, there’s no need to participate. Decline respectfully, without making a fuss.

In the Receiving Line

Some weddings have a receiving line after the ceremony, in which the bride and groom and their families greet the guests. If the wedding is large, this might be your only chance to speak to the bride and groom.