Your Adopted Child’s Homecoming

After the whirlwind of travel, you’ll be more than ready to go home and get settled with your family and its newest addition. But there are still a few concerns to keep in mind.

How to Travel with Your Child

The trip home will likely be arduous. You’ll all be exhausted emotionally and physically while still adjusting to each other. Even if your child is old enough to travel on your lap, you may want to spring for an extra seat just to give you both room to stretch out. You can request the bulkhead for more legroom and space for your child to get down to play too. Or roam the aisles when the “fasten seat belt” sign is off so that your child won’t feel cooped up.

What to Pack for the Plane Ride

Bring snacks, small toys, and a blanket for the plane ride home. Don’t forget suckers or chewing gum to help your child’s ears adjust during takeoff and landing. Other airplane-friendly things to help entertain your child include:

Stickers
Play-Doh®
Magnet drawing board (easier than packing pens and paper)
Dolls with snap-on clothes
Sippy cups or bottles

Concerns Once You’re Home with Your Child

Once your child comes home, the real work of parenting begins.

Finalizing the Adoption in the United States

Some programs require you to finalize your child’s adoption in-country. Even so, readopting in the states may make paperwork—such as getting a Social Security number—easier. If you adopt or readopt in the United States, your child will receive an amended birth certificate that lists you (and your spouse or partner) as the natural parent(s).

Parental Leave

The Federal Family and Medical Leave Act states that companies employing 50 or more workers must provide up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave per employee for caring for a family member or child. Most companies include adoption as a justifiable reason to receive parental leave; in some states, the law requires this. Discuss with your human resources director what kind of leave is available to you.

How to Help Your Child Adjust

Being adopted internationally is a big adjustment for your child, who must learn to adapt not only to a new home and family but also to an entirely new culture, unfamiliar customs, and, often, a new language. Also, a child who has spent time in an orphanage may not be used to receiving so much one-on-one attention. The older a child is when she comes into your home, the more difficult her adjustment might be. She may be grieving the loss of her previous home and need some time to learn the new sights, sounds, and smells of your home. Be aware that, early on, she may go through a period of rebellious or regressive behavior to “test” your devotion as a parent. A few things you can do to help your child adjust are:

Introduce relatives, friends, and pets gradually so as not to overwhelm your child.
Don’t fill your child’s schedule to capacity; allow her free time to process all her new experiences.
Consider letting your child keep her name if she already responds to it or choosing a name that’s very similar.
Supplement words with body language and other forms of nonverbal communication if your child is not yet speaking English.

As your child grows and hits developmental milestones, he may revisit his adoption story and have new questions or concerns. Professional help can make transitions easier and help your child meet his goal of incorporating his adoption story into a healthy self-image.

A Note About Sleep

Many children who grew up in orphanages aren’t used to sleeping alone. You and your child may sleep easier if you set up a sleeping area for him in or near your room. Or you can start the night with your child in his room so that he can hear you breathing and moving around. As your child becomes more acclimated to your home, you can begin the transition to sleeping apart.

Adjustment for Parents

Adding a new child to the family is a big adjustment not only for the child but also for the adults involved too. Your child may need more of you than you expected, and her demands can feel overwhelming. Since your child needs to learn to trust you as her primary caregivers, stay in her presence as much as possible and ask friends and family to help with meals, laundry, and housekeeping instead of child care.

Post-Adoption Depression

Many parents suffer from a kind of letdown after the adoption is complete—after months or even years of struggle to bring a child to the family, after jumping through many hoops and dealing with the ups and downs of the adoption roller coaster, the child finally comes home. No matter how happy the event is, it’s always a big adjustment that can cause an extreme shift in your emotions. Signs that you might be struggling with post-adoption depression include:

Difficulty sleeping
Loss of appetite
Depressed mood
Irritability
Guilt
Feelings of inadequacy as a parent

If you’re adopting an older child or a special-needs child, you may be especially vulnerable, as it can take time before such children are responsive to loving care. You may wonder whether you made a mistake or whether you’re “good enough” to earn your child’s love. Unfortunately, many parents are afraid or ashamed to tell anyone if they’re suffering with post-adoption depression and therefore do not get help. But appropriate support, counseling, or even medication can help you overcome any depression and enjoy your new family.

How to Get Support for Post-Adoption Depression

Your social worker should be your first resource in finding a knowledgeable adoption counselor. You can also talk to other adoptive parents or ask a family therapist for a referral. Your agency may also offer support groups or know support groups in your area. You can also contact area hospitals or start your own group with the help of other adoptive families.

Acknowledgments & Disclaimer

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In-Country Adoption

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Common Issues with Children Adopted Internationally

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